What are your rules as a couple in the lifestyle?

What are your rules as a couple in the lifestyle? 

Every couple in this lifestyle has their own relationship rules.  Over time, these rules often evolve to meet their relationship's needs based on their various experiences. You may find that some swingers do not like your rules, or you may not like theirs and that's okay.  We all need to respect each other and understand that our own relationship ALWAYS takes priority over any potential swinging connections.  We tell all new couples we meet that the lifestyle is about them.  When you go home at the end of the night, you both need to feel good about what may or may not have transpired.  Make sure you play it safe, follow the rules, and only go as fast as the slowest person in the group. Never pressure anyone to bend or break the rules. 

Here are some sample personal rules to talk over with your partner and decide how you both feel about them.   

Soft Swap (No Penetration)? 

Another very common rule, particularly with newbies is no penetration. Some couples prefer to only engage in soft swap and save the main event for their partner. Kissing, caressing, and oral – super sexy foreplay – is all they want and all they are comfortable with. Many lifestyle newbies start out this way and some veteran full swappers migrate back to this rule over time. This can reduce emotional tension, eliminate STI fears, and ease performance-related stress and anxiety sometimes associated with full swapping. 

Same Room vs Separate Room Play? 

For us personally, we prefer the same room. Our philosophy is that we entered this lifestyle as a team and therefore we play as a team. We feed off one another. However, this does not work for everyone. And that is okay. There are pros and cons for each, and you must decide for yourself what’s really a pro and a con for you as a couple. Talk with your partner and figure out what is most enjoyable and comfortable for both of you. Some couples are ok with, and may even prefer, separate play dates, while others are only okay with the girls playing separately, and still, others want everyone always involved together. There are lots of possibilities and there is no right or wrong arrangement. So, figure out what works best for both of you. Maintain an open line of communication with your partner and be open to discussing and adjusting rules as you evolve as a couple; people change, relationships change, and feelings change. Your rules may change, too.

No Kissing? 

We have a challenging time understanding this rule. Although, I (Mrs.) do realize that for some, kissing can be more intimate and passionate than intercourse. But this is a common rule for many newbies. As they gain experience and become more comfortable with their personal boundaries as a couple, many drop this rule. If you are a newbie and it makes you feel more comfortable, don't hesitate to use this rule. Many people find it hard not to kiss during sexy time, so they may decline to play with you – but that is their loss! Again, your journey in this life is about you and your partner, and your happiness as a couple. Never feel obligated to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. 

No “Taking One for the Team”? 

No, taking one for the team, means that neither of you will play if either of you isn’t attracted to the prospective play partner (or just isn't in the mood for playing). The whole idea behind swinging is fun and pleasure, no one should ever suffer through anything they aren't enjoying just so their partner can have a good time. Take the time to learn what your partner is looking for in a play partner and figure out some way to communicate (code word, body/hand signal, etc...) whether it’s a go or a no-go. 

Let's Talk About Safe Sex.... Condoms Required? 

Discuss your condom policy with your loved one. Are condoms needed for oral? Is it okay to play with another couple that doesn't always use condoms? Many couples do not use condoms in the lifestyle. Before encountering those couples, you should discuss your comfort level with your partner.  

No Anal? 

Compared with the vanilla world, anal play in the lifestyle is much more common because swingers know how to delicately play with those nerve endings. Those in the lifestyle also tend to be more open to exploring things that are considered somewhat taboo in the vanilla world.  Some swingers have an innate ability to engage in finger play and anal sex in just the right way. If your partner is particularly well-endowed and a little overzealous (foreplay, foreplay, foreplay) you may not have enjoyed it in the past, but in the lifestyle, you may find some men that are more your size in order for you to be able able to enjoy it. This might not be something you are ready for, or this may be something you want to reserve for your partner. (We personally reserve this just for each other)  Again, this choice is always yours and always yours alone. Never feel pressured to do anything you are not ready for.  

How About Solo Communication? 

Find a way to handle communication with other couples/singles so there are no surprises, secrets, or misunderstandings. Most often, a couple will have the men exchange phone numbers and the ladies exchange phone numbers. When it comes to online profile management, usually one partner is the primary communicator. For us, I (Mrs.) handle all our social media and hubby typically handles our swing site profiles, but it varies. And every couple is different. Once you do connect with a real couple or single online, you need to decide how you are going to handle ongoing communication? Everyone has different opinions about online flirting. Many enjoy it and others find it distressing. One solution is no solo chats. Try a group text chat, which can be easier than trying to get everyone on a group call. Or, as previously mentioned, the ladies chat and the men chat. Discuss this with your partner and decide what is most comfortable for you both. 

What About Repeats? 

There are some couples that will not repeat play with the same couple ever or within a certain timeframe (one month, six months, a year, whatever) to prevent any possible emotional connections. This can help in keeping swinging confined to purely physical enjoyment and avoid any personal emotional attachments. This rule is preferred by other swingers because it allows them greater sexual variety.  Whether you choose to apply this rule is totally up to you.  

How Do You Feel About Unicorns? 

Single ladies, AKA unicorns, can be amazing and they are definitely in high demand in the lifestyle (my personal preference). Most unicorns are totally awesome. Some unicorns might have extra requests for their own safety and level of comfortability with a couple or single guy. This extra work can sometimes deter couples from playing with unicorns. Even the best, most respectful unicorns, that do nothing wrong can reveal some underlying issues in your relationship. Threesomes rarely end up with all three people having equal amounts of attention. Therefore, some couples prefer to keep things simple and only play with couples, so everyone gets equal attention. Another discussion you and your partner need to have. 

 

These are just a few examples of some common rules among other lifestyle couples. You shouldn't be surprised if a couple breaks their own rules mid-play. Even though it may happen when you are caught up in the moment, you should never encourage someone to break the rules. In fact, don't be afraid to remind people it is unwise to change any rules even in the heat of passion. Just as you want others to respect your rules, you should always do your best to do respect theirs.  

There are no right or wrong rules in the lifestyle. It is completely about you and your partner and your level of comfortability. Think about what will work and what won’t work for your personal relationship. Many times, couples will reduce their rules over time and as they gain more experience in the lifestyle. Always remember why you entered the lifestyle and at the end of the day, do whatever is necessary to protect your primary relationship. Respect and communication are the keys. 

~ Two4Real4U ~